August

Lost in the memory...

Happy August! A national holiday for Swifties and annoying people everywhere, and the start of the end of summer.

I know that technically August is often the hottest month of the year, but to me, August feels distinctly like fall, like returning back to school, like goodbyes to the freedom and leisure of my favorite time of year, and suddenly, goodbyes to the people I care about most in the world. Just the thought of all the changes coming this month makes the air feel 10 degrees colder.

The issue is as follows. I really like Taylor Swift. And last summer, I decided I really like folklore. This means that I have been listening to it SO much in the past few days that have been August, and I’ll be honest, I didn’t really consider how much these songs would hurt right about now.

I’m not going to make this a song analysis, nor will I make you my involuntary therapist, but I do want to talk about one line from august (the song).

“August slipped away into a moment of time, ‘cause it was never mine.”

I’ve always struggled with how I perceive time. Living in the moment and focusing on the present is one of my biggest goals, and yet, it’s a mindset that continues to elude me. I know that if I spend the next three weeks before I leave for college thinking about how few times I’ll do each activity again, I’ll send myself into a spiral and won’t enjoy any of the fun things I’ve planned for the month. Even so, I keep finding myself guilty of preemptive nostalgia.

I don’t know how it’s possible for me to miss people I haven’t even left yet, but I’m writing this while my three best friends and I are on a week long trip to Maine, and even though I’ve been spending every waking moment with them, part of me is still So Sad because I know that soon we’ll be scattered across the country, and we may lose touch and slowly fade out of each other’s lives. Almost as if we were never there.

I don’t know if this is true at all, my friends and I have been close since middle school, and between Covid-19 and not going to the same high school, we know a thing or two about long distance friendships. Maybe we’ll be like my mother’s high school friend group, and we’ll stay in contact forever and go on annual adventures together. But also maybe this trip, and this entire month, will, like Taylor said, slip away into a moment of time, because maybe it Was never mine.

But honestly? That’s a little bit ridiculous. There is no way for anyone but myself to deny my claim on my own experiences and happiness, and why would I put in that much effort to break my own heart?

This summer so far has been nothing short of a dream; the post senior year thrill that I had been promised. From beach week to international travel, opportunities have been there for me, and I’ve been pointedly choosing to accept them. But progress is never linear, and I find myself getting insecure that the memories I am making are artificial and will be forgotten by all my friends. In reality, even if they do forget our time together, and eventually forget me, I will always cherish and remember the choices I’ve made, and that’s all that matters. My next step is not only accepting new chances and fun, but to fully appreciate it, knowing that whatever memories I retain are the ones that I wanted, and knowing that it is my life, and no one else can decide whether it holds value.

I want to be present for every moment I have left before college, and I want to be present for every moment after that as well. But life is so long, and even if I miss a day or two, or if I get lost in my own mind, and forget what’s important, I won’t instantly lose everything. Part of going forward for me means accepting what I consider “going back”.

I have more to say about change but I think I’ll have to save that for another newsletter. I really want to update this weekly, but who knows if that is an attainable goal in any way.

Here are some things I’ve been loving recently:

• The Weeknd (his concert was so high energy and so so worth it)

• Careless Whisper by George Michael

• Kelly’s rendition of Backseat Serenade in the car home from Acadia

• Lemonade (the drink), and pink lemonade

I hope August holds nothing but joy and excitement for you, and remember to live in the moment, but memories aren’t the worst thing to indulge in.

I love you.

Kalina